Hey, I'm Jesus. I'm a Saggitarius. I like drinking Natty Light, hanging out with my friends, and taking pictures. Email me if you need anything, because, really dudes, the prayer thing has gotten kinda old.
Dear Mr. Christ-If you love me (like the song says), does that mean I can still get into heaven even though I'm a poopstabber??
Love,
Cb
Sent from my iPhone
Continue reading "Ticket to ride" »
Dear Jesus,The world seems a bit less funny to me now that Carlin has moved on. Sadness aside I was wondering, is he scheduled to play the Heavenly Comedy Zone for your dad, or will he be at The Hades Punchline doing a personal performance for Stan? You know, he didnʼt believe in either of you (or so he said).
Aza @ Surreptitious Psychosis
Continue reading "George the first" »
Stan,I believe men shouldn't wear shorts that are more than a few inches above the knee. I know most women feel this way too. What's your take?
Beth
Continue reading "Short end of the stick" »
so what church do you go to? or say... what church WOULD you go to you know if u weren't up in heaven and all and that's another thing do you get electricity up there? or does zues jus toss a lightening bolt into you laptop?will
Continue reading "Dropping in" »
Hey what's up? I just got sent this site through a friend, and wanted to give you a what's up.So how's hell? Do you visit there often, or is it just like your "work place." And if you've been there recently, how is it? I've always wanted to know, since it seems more than likely, from all the people telling me, that I will be be going to Hell.
I recently bought a copy of "The Satanic Bible" and noticed it was under fantasy, for genre. Why do you think they put it under fantasy? And is what I purchased, ACTUALLY the Satanic Bible? Or is it just something one of your followers wrote then they were bored? Since recently, a lot of the way I've been living is based off that "book."
So, there is this show i've been addicted to watching called Reaper have you seen this show? What do you think of it, if you have seen it? You like it? I find it very interesting, especially with the recent episodes, how it's suddenly been kicked up a notch on the "Drama" level. Also, on the note of television have you watched Metalocalypse? I absolutely love this show. I've purchased the DVD, and the Album. Do you like either the music, or the show itself?
I suppose that is all. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
- Jonathan,
Continue reading "Interview with an empire" »
stan, have you ever actually been down to Georgia like the song says? Timo
Continue reading "You can't handle the tooth" »
how do you know there's really a god. or this thing called relegion? I believe sometimes its just 100% science. what do you believe?
Continue reading "Smoke and mirrors" »
Hey Stan-Since you pretty much already own me, I was wondering if you could do me a favor:
Can you PLEASE call Madonna's number already? After listening to her latest abortion of an album, I'm thinking that bitch's time is about up. Or it SHOULD be.
Your (burning) pal,
cb
Continue reading "The big bang" »
Dear Jesus,Please help me get this new job. I've been good and never asked you for anything before. If you do this for me, I will in turn help others reach their dreams. Promise!
Sarah
Continue reading "Colour my world" »
Hi jesus!!!I have a question.....
When you die do you actually go to heaven or hell?
did you find waldo?
http://www.superlaugh.com/1/waldo.htmYOUR FRIEND
Kyle
Continue reading "Full of it" »
Dearest Jesus Christ Almighty,Mariah Carey: Who is responsible?
Hopelessly devoted,
Shirley!
Continue reading "Hu flung dung?" »
Saw it was your birthday today - are you and Jesus going to a strip club?Andrea
Continue reading "The most wonderful time of the year" »
dude.. i'm having a party this weekend. I was wondering if you could bring that killer artichoke dip you make.. that would be sweet..Fisco
Continue reading "Dippity do da" »
Hubby and I are getting ready to have our first child.Would it be inappropriate to ask you and Jesus to be the godparents? Further more, are you willing to accept the responsibility?
Andrea
Continue reading "It's a goy!" »
Hi Stan,Should your message signature read "Eventually Mine" and not "Eventually yours"?
When we arrive do we have to supply our own burning coals and sulphur, or are they supplied during check-in at reception as part of the Welcome Package?
Cheers,
Daniel
Continue reading "Communication breakdown" »
Hey JC- got a question,Do you masturbate? If so, how do you get around that whole "sin of Onan" thingy?
Just curious,
cb
Continue reading "Reach out and touch someone" »
Stan, I just heard Jennie Garth will play Kelly Taylor in the new 90210. Is this true? What did she have to do to get it?
Continue reading "Saved by the Hell" »
Hello Jesus,My name is Sarah! I am 18 years old! I have lived in Sydney Australia all my life?! Do you love me?! I have had a lot of medical problems as a baby!
I hope you reply to me soon Jesus! I have alot to talk to you about!
Thankyou! Love Sarah xoxo
Continue reading "Gift of gab" »
Hey SatanI like your blue hair
I am not god.
no we *weird look* are not god, we are BethRea.
dun dun daaa.
Peace out dude.
May the force be with you, as, satan, i am your father.
Continue reading "Day tripper" »
To Jesus are you the real jesus and have you got msn can you please write back to me! love from Jessica
Continue reading "What ails ya" »
Dearest Jesus,I feel like we know nothing about you.
Oh, sure, we've got all those big fancy houses with all those books about you n' stuff. But what about YOU...like, what kind of music do you listen to? What's your favourite show on tv? Will you be going to the Madonna concert?
Just curious,
Shirley!
Continue reading "Survey says" »
Jesus-From descriptions, it always sounds like everything in heaven is golden. Does that include the showers??
Loving me, loving you,
cb
Continue reading "The golden rule" »
just wanna know...is it a mortal sin to get loaded at home and play WoW till all hours of the morning...and if so, am i facing eternal damnation or just a free pass into social ostricization?
(btw, WoW must be your doing...)
-dr. fb
Continue reading "VideOvis Aries" »
They say at least once a day, “I’m not cut out for this job,” but they know they wouldn’t trade it for the world.
All my love,
JHC
Yo J.C.,When you were a baby, is it true that lies made you cry? And that made God cry. And that's what made it rain?
cb
Continue reading "When it pours, it rains" »
JHC...I WAS TELLING THESE PEEPS AT WORK ABOUT THE OUR FATHER.
THEY MADE FUN OF ME
Continue reading "Or you can call me J" »
Dear Jesus Christ: The First One is in Taipei, How do you get it! Sincerely Yours, Your Follower shun-ren hu
Continue reading "A picture is worth 1,000 NTD" »
I just did a blog post about gay Jesus, if you're interested, more info can be found here.
Continue reading "Strike a pose" »
.....but I run a little blog called JC and ME located at http://jc-and-me.blogspot.comI was wondering if you had been there Jesus, and am I doomed to an eternity of hellfire, or will I be up there with your father and Colonel Sanders eating popcorn chicken?
Please, pray for my soul Jesus.
Tim
Continue reading "What the cluck?" »
Hey JC, You and Stan must be struggling hard over me, seems like everytime I get close to getting things right, BAM! I'll still keeping rockin though thanks.
Continue reading "To eat, his own" »
Jesus,I need a favor. Can you please grant good weather to the entire country so the snowbirds will get out of my town and off my roads? I am starting to have evil thoughts, possibly inspired by Satan, about what I might do the next one of them that is going 15 miles under the speed limit or cuts me off because they cannot see over the steering wheel.
I would greatly appreciate the help!Peace out.
-A-
Continue reading "The road less traveled" »
Jesus-Would you rather have sex with Ann Coulter or absolve Adolf Hitler??
cb
Continue reading "Leap of faith" »
Dear Satan,First off, is that how you would like to be addressed?
Anyway, could you see to it that Ann Coulter and Fred Phelps be compelled to seek each other out, and cannibalize each other whilst swimming in a tank of piranha's, with Rupert Murdoch dangling over said tank thanks to a pulley system that is connected to Phelps ankle so that when---well, you get it.
Could you make that happen? I guarantee that so many would be ever so grateful.
too soon for love,
Shirley.
Continue reading "Thinning the herd" »
Dear Jay: I've subscribed to your RSS feed, but frankly, the fact that you offer it makes me doubt your powers somewhat (ok, just a teensy-weensy little bit). Can't you just reach out and speak directly to my soul (sole?)?-- WavyDavy
Continue reading "No moleste" »
Do you have the power to smite? I wasn't sure if that was only a heavenly thing. If so, can you smite Jesus if he does not get fix this spring weather so the old farts will leave the Southwest and return to their northern nesting grounds.Andrea
Continue reading "You can depends on me" »
Hey... Zeus! (Get it?)I've got a question. Why is there a gate at Heaven's front door? Is God "Aaron Spelling" or something? I mean, its not like just anyone gets all the way up there and then gets turned away, right?
Oh, and what exactly is the gate made out of? I've heard 'pearly gates'--- but in movies and pictures its always sort of 'golden'. What gives?
Your pal,
cb
Continue reading "Knockin' on heaven's door" »
Stan, did Rosie really diss Larry King by saying, "stick a fork in him – Larry is done"? What the fuck is wrong with that bitch?TT
Continue reading "Short end of the stick" »
Dear Jeebus,I'm looking for a religion to join. I know you're going to want me to join yours, but what about the other ones? Would you be offended if I became jewish?
Sarah
Continue reading "Where do I sign?" »
Hey Stan-Since I'll be going to hell for being a fag, can you send me a picture of what hell REALLY looks like? I mean, is hell honestly a big lake of fire where everyone burns for all eternity, or is it more like being stuck in Peoria?
cb
Continue reading "Book 'em Danno " »
Hey JC-I was wondering if you ever masturbate by fucking the holes in your hands? I bet it would TOTALLY feel different, and give a whole new meaning to the term 'hand job'!
Love,
cb
Continue reading "The hole world in His hands" »
JHC.....can I say a prayer to you>
please tell Bret Michaels to quit wearing his hair extensions with bandanna.
thank you , Amen~
Continue reading "Poisson d’avril" »
Hey stan, I love how you control people and make them look so stupid by having to much time on there hands and making dumb web sites.thanks
embo
Continue reading "Bloody well write" »
Hey Stan-Level with me, just how involved are you with Dick Cheney and Karl Rove? I mean, did they just sell their souls outright or are they really demons masquerading as humans?
I mean, you HAD to have a hand it it... right?
cb
Continue reading "The blame game" »
Hey J.C.-You know that story about the guy looking back at the footprints in the sand, and supposedly where he only sees one set of prints that is "where God carried him"? Let's cut the crap, that's REALLY where God stepped out for a smoke or to watch American Idol or something, right?
Not that I'm blaming him-- just curious here.
-cb
Continue reading "Foot worship" »
jesusI like this girl but im not sure if she likes me i want to ask her out :/
i think she likes this one dude
but we always flirt and hold hands etc....
what do you thinkplease help me jesus :(
Continue reading "Get a grip" »
Dear J.C.-As the song goes "Red and Yellow, Black and White, they are precious in his sight, Jesus loves the little children of the world". First of all, I've never seen a child who was all of these colors at once. Second, do you really love ALL the children, or are there some that you just want to punch in the throat?
Sincerely,
cb
Continue reading "God's kitchen" »
Dear Stan, what do you think of the 2008 election so far? Josh
Continue reading "Power to the sheeple" »
Hey Stan-I'm curious as to just how far you would go in order to procure a soul. I mean, would you go "all the way"-- like, with a dude? And would your tail get in the way?
Yours Anytime,
Klondike Bar
P.S. I don't do "hooves"
Continue reading "As subtle as a donkey punch" »
Dear Jeezy,I've been seeing this girl for almost two years now, except I've never actually seen her. She lives on the other side of the country and says she works in a job where her secrecy is important, so she can't meet me.
How do you deal with something like that?
Yours in you,
SamuraiFrog
Continue reading "Addicted to love" »
stop sending me all of those "make your penis larger" and "she will love your new throbbing rocket" and "the girls all used to laugh at me...before engorgengrow that is..." emails. dude, it is getting a little tedious. i know it's small. i don't care. i am only in it for me.dr. forkbeard
Continue reading "Shake your tic tac" »
Yo J.C.-Are you really offended when people use your name to swear? And when they say "Jesus Christ"! Does that, like, page you or something? Because I could see how that could get annoying.
cb
Continue reading "What's in a name?" »
Dear Jesus,My ex-girlfriend says I'm an evil demon, yet my current girlfriend says I'm just weird.
Does this mean that it's wrong to leave flaming bags of shit on the front porches of those assholes who order pizza delivery and don't tip the driver?
I'm confused.
Evil Ray the Pizza Guy
Continue reading "Revenge is best served with cajun crust" »
Dear Jesus,I'm curious to know whether or not you know if Me & my ex, Michael, will get back together.
Caitlin
Continue reading "Cease and desist" »
hey j., does your father like the pope? pope and his organization are faking! is your dad smoking crack in heaven so he doesnt worry? come back and smoke some weed with papa razzi!
Continue reading "What's not to love?" »
Yo, J.C.-Who would win in a knife fight: you or Pope Benedict the whatever-the-fuck-number-he-is-now? The reason I'm asking is because Benedict looks like a Sith lord who'd fight dirty.
Yours in "you"
Chris
Continue reading "I give it two thorns up" »
Hey Stan-Have you and Jesus ever gotten drunk together to the point where he passed out and you took a picture with your penis in his mouth? Because that would be pretty damn funny! You could totally post it on MySpace even.
Yours "in Christ" (ha!)
Chris
Continue reading "Not your savior's halo" »
I feel like something evil is trying to break out from my sinuses. Maybe I need an exorcism?!Andrea
Continue reading "Who nose?" »
Dear Mr. Savior-Is it a sin for me to like butt sex? Because I really REALLY like how it feels. If it is a sin, can I just ask forgiveness on my deathbed and still make it into heaven?
Your pal,
Chris
P.S. Is there butt sex in heaven?
Continue reading "Rear admiral" »
Hey Jesus,Did you marry Mary Magdalene and have a kid named sarah?.......just wondering because the Davinci code brought up some Questions in my mind....
Yours Truly,
Josh
Continue reading "Pay it forward" »
Who's your money on for presidential candidates? Please tell me that Huckabee has a chance.Frank
Continue reading "Happy [campaign] trails" »
Dear God,I know there is a last number but only you know it.
What is the last number?
Continue reading "Who ya gonna call?" »
Im envoious of your Halo. is that wat makes you fly? ........wait... can u fly?
O Lord of Lies, Filth, and Fury...So, it's been a while. You're still you, and I am still me. I guess the only thing I really have to ask you, is... are you happy with that?
The Scoot.
Continue reading "To each, his own" »
Christ,So, what is your opinion on the Super Bowl? Are you a fan, indifferent, or do you find it annoying that so many people skip Church for it?
The Scoot.
Continue reading "Place your bets" »
JESUS,I KNOW I HAVE DONE SOME THINGS IN MY LIKE THAT IM NOT PROUD OF AND IM WONDERING, WHEN I DIE, AM I GOING TO SEE YOU OR AM I GOING TO HELL?!?
~SHY
Continue reading "Taste the afterlife" »
dear jeebus,do you have any interest in sharing with the class your most embarassing new years debauchery story in recent memory? i'm not talking sodom and gomorrah or anything quite that old and epic, just anything involving way too much natty light and way too few good decisions...maybe twins and a hot tub or one of those european spanking machines? it's no big deal really...all you have to do is ask your own forgiveness and no harm no foul. c'mon, big guy, you know you want to get it off your chest...just consider e-mfj as your personal confessional booth!
love and spankings,
dr. forkbeard
