I want my money back
Eventually yours,
~S
Hey, I'm Jesus. I'm a Saggitarius. I like drinking Natty Light, hanging out with my friends, and taking pictures. Email me if you need anything, because, really dudes, the prayer thing has gotten kinda old.
Eventually yours,
~S
Roman Catholic Rev. Adelir Antonio de Carli has been missing since Sunday, when he lifted off from the port city of Paranagua wearing a helmet, an aluminum thermal flight suit, waterproof coveralls and a parachute. He was seeking to break a record for the longest time in-flight with helium-filled party balloons.
Continue reading "Headliners" »
How about starting with the separation of priests and little boys?
Eventually yours,
~S
I was wiping the vomit from my chin after watching "The Moment of Truth", and spent the next hour wondering what ever happened to our quality programming.
In this fading republic of ours, are you telling me reality television has digressed into an hour of strained spontaneity? I hadn't seen so much faking since Liza married David Gest.
So yours truly has come up with a new show idea. It's time to put the real back into reality television.
Check it. It's called Crash Cab.
You get in, lights and music go off, the doors lock, and a partition separates the passengers from the driver.
The cabbie proceeds to drive along sidewalks, through parks and across playgrounds, you get the picture.
Contestants get $100 for every block they pass without begging for their lives. Do it three times, the ride's over and they get nothing.
If they do happen to make it to their destination, they can keep the cash, or go for double by doing real stunts. Eating bugs and bobbing for keys in a tank of Piranha. Fuck you. Measure Rosie O'Donnell for a merkin.
Eventually yours,
~S
Eventually yours,
~S
Well, I've added another notch to my headboard.
Seems that everyone's favorite benevolent and soft-spoken friend Avitable and I were voted most likely to still live in his/hers mother's basement.
Thank you, everyone, for your votes. I'm off to have a good long cry.
All my love,
JHC
Dear children,
I wish you all the health and fortune you can handle this year.
Anything to get you to leave me alone for a day.
All my love,
JHC
This is what I get:
Hello! I am tired this afternoon. I am nice girl that would chat with you. Email me at (xxxxxxxxxxxxxx) only, because I am writing not from my personal email. I will show some my private pictures
What the fuck language would this even translate back into? Wherever it's from, the women probably smell like goat and don't trim their lady gardens.
Eventually yours,
~S
Hey dudes-
Here's something I found in my inbox:
Hey JesusHow's it goin? I'm Kristy, I just moved to the Beverly Hills area and I wanna meet a nice guy around here :-). I moved here to California a couple of weeks ago for work and now that I'm here I have nobody to hang out with! I read your profile... You're cute and I liked what you had to say :-).
I'm 24/F/single and I'm lookin for a guy who is a little bit older or more mature than me. You say you're 100 and you're cute so I guess you're qualified :-)
My friend Jen from back home suggested I tried using myspace to meet people in my area. I just signed up and my profile sux hehe. I do have a blog/profile page at.....
I guess I should have seen the spam link coming, but.... WOW. Somebody really went out of their way to get that to me.
So next time you complain about spambots, just remember that there are still people out there that really care about their customers, and will go to great lengths just to add that special personal touch you only hear about in small towns and old people conversations.
All my love,
JHC
Hey dudes! We're moved in and unpacking the last of our stuff.
I'm going to talk to Stan about putting together a little contest or something to celebrate our 500th question answered. Stay Tuned! We'll let you know!
Later!
JHC
A big "thank you" to all you moms out there for everything you do.
All my love,
JHC
Kiss it,
~S
Coca-Cola Co. is suing producers of an Italian film titled " 7 Km da Gerusalemme" (Seven Kilometers From Jerusalem), that shows Jesus swigging Coke from a can in the desert. Coke said the scene would probably give the soda a bad image. A spokeswoman said, "We are not interested in this kind of product placement."
Continue reading "This just in..." »
Yup. You heard it right. Take a good look dudes, 'cause you're not going to be seeing this any more. It's time to give up kinderblogging.
We're working on a new template (read: finishing what we started) and doing some server maintenance (read: fresh, uncorrupted install).
We'll be open for business while we're doing this, so keep those questions coming dudes!
All my love,
JHC
Well dudes, it's been a whole entire year since we've been together, the world hasn't come to an end, and Rosie's still a bloated slob.
I wish I could have a beer with each and every one of you. Maybe we'll throw a bash this summer.
Seems like only yesterday....
All my love,
JHC
I'm soooo getting wasted tonight.
Here's an old pic I found. I was such a badass. Something between Charles Bronson and Arsenio Hall.
Eventually yours,
~S
I was just informed by our new friend Diesel that today is Inappropriate Card Day. So...
Eventually yours,
~S
I should have went into marketing.
Eventually yours,
~S
San Rafael, California
February 14, 2007Police said a California man admitted faking his own kidnapping to keep his wife from finding out he crashed her new car.
Police in San Rafael said the 35-year-old told authorities two kidnappers held him up at gunpoint, so he decided to purposely crash the car into a wall to escape.
Under questioning he admitted making the whole story up. A police spokeswoman said the man was worried about how his wife would react to her car being wrecked.
The man could face criminal charges for making a false report.
Continue reading "Home is where the heart is" »
Found this little jem over at Jessica Hagy's website, Indexed.
See? Even the Babylonians knew what was going on.
Eventually yours,
~S
I thought it would be fun to highlight some of the keyword phrases you people used to find us in 2006. I think it safe to say a lot of you are perverts. It appears one of you is having a problem with your neighbor's dog.
demon babies
fat jesus
kfc jesus
porn a sin
can jesus rap
tonya harding wedding night
jesus in a bathtub
i attract assholes
jesus drinking beer
lespians haven sex
you need to get laid e mail
jesus save me from your followers
everytime you masterbate a kitten dies
stewie bow chica
revenge on nasty neighbors
it s not gay if balls don t touch
jesus colon
talking jesus toy
can you get pregnant if he ejaculates on your boardshorts in water?
prostitution fountain hills
mormon neighbor driving me nuts
a cloud that looks like jesus
codependent wife
teenager german shepherd eat me
real alien abduction july 2006 joshua tree ca
hasselhoff is the devil
picture of jesus helping a surgeon
is jesus a moron
biggest tit
jesuses diet
asshole magnet
lord jesus and alien abductions in 8/2006
on your knees for jesus
glory holes in home depot stores
jesus h. christ and the horney men
should you masturbate before u go to a party
water bubble jesus
believe jesus socks
lamb cow horse fuck sex girl lesbo
david blaine servant of satan
heavy metal jesus
honor jesus bachelor party
gunsnammo
hitler makes my juices run
jesus is a lot like natty light
how to stop being a prevert
jesus satan dildo
jesus kicks me when i m down
meaty bites
dog barking and exlax
im jesus christ on ecstacy
doodie doodie poopoo caca
emails from china single girls
satan dress up
goat molestation
jesus frogs and lollipops
jesus loves you but i think you re a cunt
are there any glory holes in anaheim?
build a spice rack
jesus is watching you masterbate
have you tasted my jesus
how do i keep the neighbor s dogs from shitting in my yard?
neighbor dog keeps shitting on my bushes
i m gonna send that guy a doucebag in the mail
muffalo
it s 4 20 somewhere
how to respect the beliefs of a mormon coworker
how do u have an orgasm when u masturbate
why men are douchebags
jesus & fishing
jesusmeister
sphincter lips
spanked
jesus horatio christ
pimp my jesus
drink till she s cute t shirt
titorama
amazing transvestite
i would love to get spanked
porn in the bathtub
scoot in the morning plastic jesus
lesbos from heaven
jesus is my drinking buddy
The best phrase?
para balls of jesus
Swing and a miss.
Eventually yours,
~S
As you nurse your hangover, scramble to come up with bail money, and give away your last paycheck because you bet on the wrong team, remember that I hold each and every one of you in loving contempt.
Best wishes for sprained ankles and herpes in 2007!
Eventually yours,
~S
My dearest children,
Best wishes for a healthy, rewarding 2007! You all rock.
All my love,
JHC
Eventually yours,
~S
I knew it was only a matter of time...
For the record, yes, I shop at Wal-Mart once in a while.
You know what's insulting to my dad? People like Joe Phelps who misuses our word for their own agenda.
Besides, the Bible really isn't the go-to book if you want to speak against gender-based discrimination or the treatment of subordinates. Oh. And let us not forget that whole Isaac-looks-up-to-see-his-dad-about-to-stab-him-to-death thing. That kinda makes child labor look like a booger. Know what I mean?
All my love,
JHC
Jesus is at a nightclub and can't dance for shit, so he yells, "Help! I've risen and I can't get down!"
Thank you. I'll be here all week.
Eventually yours,
~S
A while back, a reader asked me to comment on my 10 favorite religions. In no particular order, here they are:
1) Scientology. Xenu brings some leftovers and blows them all up with hydrogen bombs - obviously the most powerful weapon at the time Ron started. Had the church been founded more recently, Xenu would have used spinach.
2) Catholicism. Not a good choice if you have bad knees or believe in evolution. God neglected to tell Adam the Earth was round – even in casual conversation, which led to a ton of unnecessary excommunication paperwork.
3) Southern Baptist. Uptight, intolerant, narrow-minded, and prejudiced. But goddamn if they don’t know a thing or two about barbeque. Fuck me.
4) Islam. Their reaction to cartoons makes them appear to be hot-headed and crotchety, but they really do enjoy a good party. Just set something on fire in the middle of the street and thousands will show up.
5) Buddhism. Most celebrities choose Buddhism because they think it makes them look cool – which it does when compared to having a gerbil trapped in your colon.
6) Hare Krishna. Chief Justice Rehnquist supported their banning from airports because they were disruptive and slowing passengers down. This was before the disruption of having to remove your shoes, being pulled aside and felt up by an overrated security guard, or the time it takes to file a police report when you realize your iPod’s been stolen from your checked baggage.
7) Kabbalah. If it wasn’t for Madonna, nobody in the U.S. would have known of its existence. Contrary to popular belief, Roseanne does not practice. She confused it with tabbouleh.
8) Jehovah’s Witness. 7,000,000 names in the bingo cage and only room for 144,000. Better get out there and start spreading the word every Sunday afternoon during the game.
9) Mormonism. Place two rocks in hat, place face in hat, form a religion. Maybe having little Joe work at the family cake and beer store wasn’t such a good idea.
10) Judaism. Without them, there would be no show business. Motivated by making others feel guilty, they’re the best friends to have around if you need a new coat. Always frugal, the women save their old bras to make yarmulkes for their husbands.
Eventually yours,
~S
No, I didn't lose a bet.No, I didn't lose it in a felching accident.
No, I didn't lose it lighting crack, a jibber, or fireworks off the stove.
Yes, I gave it to Jason Priestly.
Eventually yours,
~S
Both Forkbeard and BlueGal sent this to me, so I thought I'd share. Pretty sweet! Though, because of my Natty habit, I'm a little more flabby than this cartoon depicts.
You can find this shirt at tshirt hell
I got an email this morning saying I'd been tagged. I didn't know people tagged the Son of God. But thanks, Luin. I'm proud to get tagged by a hot mama like you.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
The MeMe of Three:
Things that scare me: clowns, big nails, Christians
People who make me laugh: Stan, Jerry Falwell, Pee Wee Herman
Things I hate the most: morning breath, carpentry work, hangovers
Things I don’t understand: The Bible, sudoku, Kevin Federline
Things I am doing right now: eating cold pizza, wondering where I left my sandals, answering prayers
Things I want to do before I die: N/A (that whole eternal life thing again)
Things I can do: turn water into wine, heal the sick, put one leg behind my head
Ways to describe my personality: laid back, good-humored, loving
Things I can’t do: bend steel, wear socks, ride a bike
Things I think you should listen to: the good word, The Shins, the sound of one hand clapping
Things you should never listen to: Paris Hilton, David Hasselhoff, televangelists
Things I’d like to learn: to speak Spanish, how to fly (stupid angels), that one girl's name I met that one time
Favorite foods: beer. beer. beer.
Beverages I drink regularly: Natty Light, red wine, Root Beer
TV shows I watched as a kid: N/A (we watched rocks and dirt when I was a kid)
So, me and Zeus were hanging out the other night and he insisted on watching UFC cage fighting. Of course, I'm not one for anything violent and, frankly, I often faint at the sight of blood (which made that whole nailed-to-the-cross thing a lot easier, btw).
After a particularly vicious fight, the winner, dripping with sweat and covered in bleeding gashes, said he would like to thank Me for helping him win. ME!
Um. What, dude? Why would he think I'm for helping him break some guy's arm?
::SIGH::
Dear Cage Figher Dude,Just give him a hug next time.
Love, Jesus
A nun was walking in the convent yard when one of the priests noticed she was looking a little portly. "Gaining a little weight are we, sister Susan?" he asked.
"Oh no, Father. Just a little constipation," Sister Susan explained.
A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight. "Gaining some weight are we, Sister Susan?" he asked again.
"Oh no, Father. Just a little constipation," she replied again.
A couple of months later the priest noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent. He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, "Cute little shit."
Dude is totally missing.
I sent him, like, half a dozen emails and gave him a call, but no word yet. The last time I saw him was Saturday night at my place. He had been drinking quite a bit (and probably had smoked a bud or two). He came out of the bathroom, cursing at Gabriel about a shoe horn and something-something 'it's a long, winding road, my friend', and he stumbled outside, grabbing some chick's purse on the way out.
Haven't seen him since.
You alive out there, dude? Luin? Kimber? You guys holding him hostage?
Let me know if you hear from him. Assface owes me $5.
Thanks,
JC
So, ok, dudes. I was at Starbucks this morning, sipping on a latte, minding my own business, when this guy comes up to me and sits down. I smile at him and say 'good morning' and he starts touching my hands.
Just as I'm about to tell him I don't swing that way, he grins all botoxy-like and introduces himself as Doctor Reginald Shaughnessy. He says he's a plastic surgeon specializing in...I don't know, some crap to do with hands and feet...and says he noticed my scars from across the room and would like me to come in for a consultation.
WTF?
I guess he was too liquored up at 7am to recognize me, but come on - is it common practice to walk up and touch a dude's hands now? Back in my day, that would have got you stoned. Or betrothed, depending on the area of town you were in.
Regardless, I told him no thanks and left with my drink.
When I got back home, I looked at my scars - something I rarely do now. They were kinda gross still, I have to admit, and have many times lost me a date. I think my dad would be pissed if I got them fixed, though. I'd ask, but I'm kinda scared he might put me up on another cross.
What about you ladies? Would large torn scars on hands and feet (that sometimes still weep blood) scare you off? What if the dude wore latex gloves?
Good morning, Children.
What do you guys think about the new site design? Is everything working a-ok in your browsers now? If you read the site through Bloglines, you should click through and leave a comment about what you think. I know that was, like, an issue with a lot of folks.
In other news, why is it I'm just now noticing how fat my head looks in that picture up there? I know I'm a handsome lad and all, but look at the size of that melon!
Does this halo make me look fat?
In the last few days, I've gotten an ark-load of emails asking the same question. So, let me just make the answer clear for ya, dudes.
Yes, George W. Bush is the anti-christ. And guess what? You monkeys voted for him. Twice, even.
Free will sucks, huh?
My Love (Regardless),
JHC
My children, I freakin' apologize for the delays, dudes! As soon as Satan showed up, things started magically breaking. Go figure. Ass monkey.
The site, as you can tell, isn't all the way functioning still - just a few bugs now. Email is up and running... so I'm listening.
Also, quite a few people have asked me about several different websites names that popped up while the site was dead - no, EFJ is not changing domain names. We changed hosting companies, that's it. (I smite thee, Yahoo!!)
Ok. Carry on. Send emails. Send prayers. Send your money. Whatever, dudes.
Fallen Angel? Thanks, Goldilocks.
What the fuck is going on with the sterile white theme? This place looks like it was designed by Queer Eye for the Rabbi.
I can't believe you talked me into doing this.
~S
I found this site recently. These ladies curse more than Lucifer, but, dude, they're funny! And today is one of their birthdays. Happy Birthday to you, beautiful child. Everyone, go wish her a happy one.
Arrrgh. I had a little too much wine for Easter, dude. I'll start email responses later tonight...once my headache goes away. For the time being, here's a little thinker for ya.
If you say "cheeses" really fast, it sounds like my name. Heh. How freaky is that?
J
You know that whole annoying "footprints" thing people hang on their walls? Let's just say that's how we were for the last month. This time of year, what, with Lent and Passover and Easter, I have been busier than a hooker at a Baptist convention. I've still been carrying you and stuff. You know. The footpr...nevermind.
Regardless, I'm back. I have been getting a lot of emails lately. I give you my word I'll keep more on top of this blog thing. Keep the faith, dudes.
J
You know the walking on water thing? Cool party trick, right? Well, that, like most things you read in the Bible, was a tad bit fudged.
Now, before you get all huffy, let me say somethin' that you will hear me say a lot. I did not write the Bible, dude. I had totally moved on by the time most of it went to press. So, like, don't be sending me hate mails and stuff. You have to remember - it's just a religion. That stuff changes all the time anyway.
So, like, here's the real story. I can't believe it took so long for folks to figure that one out. I mean, come on! You mortals crack me up, man.
J
Hey, dudes.
I decided to put this website up because people have found out my email address and have started sending me prayer requests. And ya know what? That's, like, a lot easier than trying to hear all your silent prayers. I totally get less headaches this way.
So, keep sending me emails to jesus@emailsfromjesus.com. I'll post and answer some of them on the site. How will I pick the ones I answer? Well, that you don't need to know. I work in mysterious ways, brother.
Hi, I'm Stan. I'm single and recently relocated to Detroit. I like hockey and shopping at Home Depot. I have a Golden Retriever named Mishnah. Email me anytime. I love getting to know people.
